IN THE ASS-HOLE OF AMERICA!
Although there are many turds in this dirtiest ass-hole of creation, we propose to shovel out only those that have been shit from the effects of the first dose of physic. In so much as there has been a long continued stopping of the bowels, it will be necessary to follow with dose by others at intervals of three days, until the entire gut is purged. The giant turd, the plug as it were, and the hardest to pass, is a pale faced, red-headed son—of—a—bitch from Indianapolis. This low—lifed terrier has played with his pecker until his brains have run out of the head of his cock. By reasof [sic] of this long continued self abuse he became so enervated that he was not able to walk to the privy, and it was his custom to shit in the “Saline“ and throw it in the stove. The next TURD, although softer in consistency, makes up what he lacks in substance by the loud tone of his stink. SAUNDERSON, a half—assed lawyer who made an ignominious failure in that proffession [sic], thinks he is competent to teach oratory and Rhetoric, we want to inform the trustees that if his name isn’t Dennis next year, I. U. will be hissed out of state oratorical. Next comes
HANNAL, THE FACULTY
Cock sucker, he is so insignificant that we will let him pass.
HOWE THE LANTERN-JAWED
would be tough who always has his hand in everyone’s business likewise their whisky bottles. Now comes H. MONTICAL. H is for HORSE’S ASS a turd too nasty to handle. And now is
GRIGGS The BOY passed by the Faculty in two years. He has now risen to the
dignity of an assistant Proffessorship [sic] on a salary of $50. If he doesn’t sap his physical strength by his marital [illegible: 3 letters, -ish, a dash, 6 letters, -tastions], he will probably command $100 before he does. The next TURD is ☞ CHAMPBELL ☜ but he is so soft we could not handle him without puking. ☞ ROLL MADISON ☜ this turd is very loud, but he never says anything. He thinks he is an orator, but is no orated for shit, he wouldn’t get a smell. The only thing he is good for is seduction of innocent maidens, we won’t say anything about that for fear of making him popular in College society. ☞ SOEL
Here is a TURD! A sheeny TURD! Here is a man who likes $,00 so that he never got his gun off legitimatly [sic].
This rattled-brained foreigner, who, it is said was hissed out of Ann Arbor, so that he could be eligible to a position in this University, ought to be fired next year, or we will draw him under this whole pile of shit. He carries his [illegible: probably “guts” or “nuts”] in his head and his brains are probably in some English shit-house. ☞ KEPELR ☜ does not come up to the dignity of a turd. He is a plain -every—day shit and ☞ SHOEMAKER ☜ is not any better, both club the brute.
Ed O’Donnel is a soreheaded turd, a burntoffering [sic]. If he don’t stop taking in the railroad whore houses, his cock will be a shapeless mass.
This with his whiskey guzzling qualities will cause him to fill an early grave. ☞ BLOSS ☜ we recognize him by his baby shit. He wears in a a plug in his ass to keep the protoplasm from running out. The next turd is almost consumed by maggots which were so numerous as to nearly cover his body, but by brushing them way the features of ☞ MORRIS MOORE ☜ could be observed!!! Last fall he frequented cheap whore houses, but lately he seems to have a softer snap.
On top of all this mass of nastiness, we found a recent edition of the Telephone which had been used as a wiper!
The smear of shit, on close inspection was found to be a pot—bellied —purple—nosed—barbarian named ☞STARBUCK. Last but not least is a ding—ball named BANE the insane drivelings [sic] of a drunken fuck. But don’t let us forget RUOFF. This turd is ‘so calm, so soft’, yet so eloquent, that it is really a dirty shame to mention him.
This paper is the organ of the noble order of Shit—House Cleaners, which selected Van Rodrick and Nick Robertson, because they are the dirtiest men in town. The public judge of the wisdom of the society’s choice.
“In 1890, Indiana University hired the Pinkerton Agency to investigate the authorship of a student “bogus” that had been distributed throughout town. While boguses were not uncommon, this particular one attacked IU faculty and students with such graphic language that Bloomington residents complained. The detective arrived in Bloomington on April 26 and spent nearly two weeks conducting interviews and dispatching regular reports back to the home office. In the end, it was town talk that led to the student authors and not the work of the agent. The seven Beta Theta Pi fraternity brothers were from locally prominent families, including the son of a Trustee, but all were expelled. In 1892, however, the Trustees granted five of the men their degrees and all seven were reinstated in good standing.”