Every time “The Site” has sex with someone…the exact moment of climax is accompanied by this song. It never fails. Every time “The Site” has an orgasm since this song hit the radio has coincided with this song as the dénouement. It’s becoming bizarrely codependent. Seriously…wtf? It makes “The SIte” want to make sure there are no radios playing during sex, EVER!

Reason this is currently an issue is because of a recent sexual escapade with a gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous man. He works at the Quickie Mart in a li’l town that “The Site” is glad it didn’t grow up in. Not sure why it is living here now…anyway, so, “The Site” has some amazing, mind-blowing sex with gorgeous man from the Quickie Mart, and of course, this song starts playing after about an 8-hour marathon of Sting-style sex with this beautiful specimen of man.

Seriously…there is some hardcore cheesy irony happening here. Jesus, is this a message? Bayesian statistical analysis is telling “The Site” that this is statistically significant. Correlation, maybe not causation, is to be found in orgasms and this song.

What makes all of this curiouser and curiouser are the events that follow…

So, “The Site” stops into the Quickie Mart that following weekend to buy a pack of cigarettes and to see Mr. Gorgy McGorg, when “The Site” is abruptly stopped by this daunting, fat, tub-of-lard lumbering towards “The Site” with sweat pouring out of every orifice. Now, this man does not appear to be terribly friendly, but he very southernly introduces himself as “The Town Preacher,” nonetheless.

Well, shit…if you don’t say. (“The Site” is shaking in its little gay booties. *sarcasm*)

“The Town Preacher” immediately tells “The Site” that He knows who “The Site” is, and that He would “kindly appreciate it” if “The Site’s” kind didn’t stay around these parts.

Not very often does “The Site” find itself bamboozled, but frankly, it was not sure what it had done to deserve this warm welcome. It lived above the Chinese restaurant, which means everything you own gets covered with a thin film of cooking oil, but it was also cheap. “The Site” didn’t do much except sleep, have sex, and go to school.

Anyway, still unclear as to what it did…until “The Town Preacher” starts quoting scripture, while explaining that, “that wholesome young man in there (the Quickie Mart) shouldn’t be defiled and brainwashing into sin by your kind.” And then “The Site” was like wtf?! That literally happened like 36-hours-ago. “The Site” realizes that news travels fast in a small town, but Jesus Christ. Plus, “The Site” hasn’t said a word to anyone. And, it can only guess, but this dude isn’t a priest, so “The Site” doubts that Gorgy McGorg went to confessional. “The Town Preacher” was Baptist. He proudly announced that at some point in this one-sided conversation.

“The Site” usually is quick with a retort, but lacking any context for what was happening, it decided to back down and get back in its 1969 primer gray, with a Confederate flag for the ceiling liner, Chevy pickup truck…hey, don’t judge, it was cheap, and “The Site” is poor…and left. Went back to Chinese Restaurant Apartment and slept for awhile. After processing the events of the last couple days, “The Site” realized that there was a third-party that could have been the rat. A fucking backstabbing bitch of a closeted lesbian who lives two-doors-down from Gorgy McGorg. She had been quite nosey in the weeks leading up to the eventual sexcapade.

Is it possible that she played some role in this outing because she’s a jealous cunt?

“The Site” finally got a call from Gorgy McGorg. He didn’t sound too terribly happy and asked if “The Site” could stop by. “The Site” went out, beat the starter into place with a hammer, turned over that loud-ass truck with glass packs, and peeled off down the road. Pulled into the driveway, went inside, and had a very depressing conversation.

Turned out that yes, evil cunt lesbo bitch two-doors-down saw my truck in the driveway, and then came over and was peeking in the windows. She saw us fucking. She also stayed up all night to see when “The Site” left, and then called “The Town Preacher” to report what she saw. He cried. “The Site” cried; “The Site” apologized, but he said it wasn’t anybody’s fault. He also said that he promised it would never happen again. It never did…at least not between us.

(Zed. Future “The Site” will probably wonder whatever happened to Gorgy McGorg…perhaps.)

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